I heard we made out
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
