I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
