ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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