Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
