He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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