I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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