Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
