Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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