the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize