3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize