i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
