I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
