i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Is her dick bigger than yours?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
