She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
