Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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