bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'm passing your future prison.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
