Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
