Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
