My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
