his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
my poor anus
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
