Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
