Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
