had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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