everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
