The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
