We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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