i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i already hear my dad disowning me
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize