Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
