Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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