never play flip cup with pint glasses
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
false alarm, still single
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
