So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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