I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
