Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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