I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
