there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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