i can't believe i had my finger in that
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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