You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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