Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize