Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
