I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Also, beer. Big fan.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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