he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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