Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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