we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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