I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
