so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
