between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize