i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
In America we eat man semen.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
