So drunk its hurt
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
