I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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