Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
