you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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