Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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