Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
