don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
