if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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