Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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