I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
she looked like the before picture.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize