She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
