no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
