when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
