I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
