There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
