My nipple is on Facebook.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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