Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
he fucked my hip out of place.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
My vagina is officially offended.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
