i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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