He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
