I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
