we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
So much rum. So many feels.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
