Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
