all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
