Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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