I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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